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now, i'm feeling discomfort on a higher level than just physical. i feel it on an emotional level, too. "kitty, what on earth are you saying?" you might ask. what i'm trying to say is that i feel discomfort with the way i experience my emotions. ok, that probably doesn't make much sense, either. let me explain... you see, when i was younger, i'd get very excited on the nights before things. it was to the point where i'd barely be able to sleep. but, now, it's like i'm incapable of feeling like that. i've done a few interesting things over the past month or 2. i enjoyed them and had a lot of fun! but, i only felt a little excited. even on the nights before, it felt like these things were months away. this also applies to other emotions. another thing happened, which i won't elaborate on, but it was definitely a bad thing, and a lot is going to change bc of it. in the past, i would've been constantly agonizing about it, wondering about each possible outcome. i'm not trying to say i don't care -- i do -- but it just barely emotionally affected me. yes, i should probably get this checked out, i'm well aware of that. unfortunately, there's a lot of chaos rn from the aforementioned bad event. even if there wasn't, i'd probably be dismissed as another depressed teenage girl, even though that's not true at all. i don't feel sad or angry. i'm sleeping, eating, and partaking in my hobbies just like i used to. it has to be something else. |
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i'm dissatisfied with my appearance. people seem to think that i'm concerned about what other people think of me, but that's not the case at all. if i wanted other people to think i'm pretty, i'd shave my arms or something. but, no, it's different. what i feel is a disconnect between how my body is, and how i think it should be. like i've said on my "about me" page, i percieve myself as younger. i enjoy childish things, and don't want to partake in the responsibilities that come with being an adult, or even a 16 year old. all i want to do is have fun and not have to worry about anything. as such, i want my body to reflect that. i percieve myself as anywhere from 0 to 13. that's a wide range, of course. i think a middle ground -- looking like a 6-7 year old -- would be the ideal. now, since i percieve myself as a little girl, i don't exactly like the... more mature aspects of my body. i haven't liked the idea of having breasts, ever since i started growing them when i was 8. even then, i didn't want to look like an adult; i wanted to still look like the little girl that i was. even then, i knew that this wasn't me. when i had my first period at 11, i thought it was gross, and was disgusted at the fact that i could technically bear children. not finished with this thought, but i'm being made to go to bed now. |
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this contains mentions of weight loss, read at your own discretion.
starting in august last year, i began to lose weight bc i was concerned for my health, among other reasons, heheh... that's not the point, though. earlier this month, i reached my goal of 100lbs, and that was that... or so i thought. yesterday, i found that i'd gone down to 97.8lbs, and i didn't even do anything! i eat like shit, and i hardly exercise except for walking around my house and something else >w> |
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as of today, it became 97.2. i find it concerning! i wanna fix this, but idk how. this isn't helped by my grandma's constant nagging! (this is why i used a pic of neru from "stop nagging me!") when i'd lost, like, 5lbs, she asked if i was okay, and she's been asking me ever since. i know it's bc she cares, but it's annoying! if i wasn't feeling ok, i'd tell you, damn!
i feel just fine. i think this is just bc i don't eat a whole lot. i guess i could eat more, but that makes me feel sick. i need to do something though, bc i don't wanna get too skinny. if i look like a skeleton, i won't be cute anymore! ...and i'll have health issues. i don't want to deal with either of those things.